


Growing numb is worse than hurting

by DrowningDutchman



Category: Jojo Rabbit (2019)
Genre: Dealing With Trauma, Depression, Grief, I made this sad, Kurt - Freeform, M/M, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:01:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrowningDutchman/pseuds/DrowningDutchman
Summary: They let him live, but it wasn’t a life Kurt wanted to live. He didn’t want to live this farse of a life, he didn’t want to live without the man he loved.
Relationships: Freddy Finkel/Captain Klenzendorf
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	Growing numb is worse than hurting

They let him live, but it wasn’t a life Kurt wanted to live. He didn’t want to live this farse of a life, he didn’t want to live without the man he loved. Every night he closed his eyes he was back in the moment he saw the light die out in the eyes of the man he loved. Every night when he woke up, he drank himself back to sleep. Kurt was a mess. He decided quite quickly that he should get his feelings out, but he couldn’t jut scream them off the roofs as he wanted. He got himself a book when he could, a book to write in about whatever he thought about.

_It’s been a week, just a week and I feel like dying. I feel like I can’t continue like this Freddy. I miss you, I miss you so much. You were all I had left. Letting me live was the worst thing they could have done to me. Why did it have to be you? Why could it not be me? What’s the point in going on? I have to try though, I am terribly afraid of ending it. Not because I am afraid of death, but because I am afraid I won’t see you at the end._

Life only seemed to get worse in these moments, he saw Freddy everywhere and he didn’t even want to think to move on. He never wanted to lose him the way he did and he couldn’t even imagine moving on. He didn’t want to forget his love, he didn’t want to forget this one bright spot in his life. He was hurt, he was pained and he was unsure of what to do. He couldn’t walk to streets or get anywhere close to where the young man had perished. He just sat at home, not doing much, just worrying and slowly writing in his book while drinking a variety of alcohol.

_It’s been a month and it only hurts more. I want this pain to end. I am useless to the people around me, I can’t help rebuild and I can’t help fix anything. I can’t go outside because you’re everywhere, no one has even bothered to raise anything for you, nothing of a memory, nothing to remember you by. I’m afraid I will forget you. I love you. I have a picture of you, you’re smiling. I hope you’re still smiling, in a better place. Living isn’t good._

The pain didn’t fade, but Kurt grew numb to it. Numb to the sensation of complete and utter emptiness, becoming numb to the pain of losing the only person he really cared about hurt him even more though. The pain never stopped, it just changed in it’s shape. He lay in bed, staring at the empty space in his bed, trying to fill the void of the other person that was supposed to be with him after the war with anything, trying to fill the physical emptiness by holding onto a blanket, but it never helped. It was never the same.

_It’s been a year. Your pictures are getting worn, from time, from handling. I don’t want to forget your face. I would hate myself if I did, if my mind slips I will force myself to remember you. I hate this feeling. I want you to be here, I want to hold you in my arms like I’m supposed to. I can’t. I hate that I can’t. I can not make myself useful for anyone, I am starting to suspect I’ve never been useful. I wish people wouldn’t call you a nazi though, you were nothing like them. They don’t know though. They do not realize who you were. They do not know how loving you were. I want you back._

Seeing the people who survived made Kurt feel even worse, it made him angry. The anger he felt was aimed at the people that had ruined himself, his life and his country, but most importantly these people ruined his love. The one person in the world he loved, the one person he wished this war would have spared had died instead of the pure evil of some of them. Trials were too good for these people, they deserved nothing more than to be shot in the streets. He just wanted the love of his life back. 

_It’s been five years. I’m a bad person. I deserve the pain I am feeling. You didn’t deserve to die Freddy. Why couldn’t you have made it, why couldn’t I have died instead. It’s never going to get better, is it? I cry a lot. I've started accepting that, mainly because I am terribly afraid of no longer caring. I don't want to lose the feelings I have for you, you meant, no mean too much to me. You are the perfect man, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and that is never going to change. You deserve better than me, you deserve better than an old man forgetting you. You are perfect. You should have lived._

Kurt often told stories of what he went through, but he never mentioned the young man that had captured his heart before the war even started. He never old stories about the young man he met at a club when the other was sixteen and he himself was nearly fourty. He never mentioned the drink they had, how they danced the night away and how they never let each other go even if not physically close. How they had been in love for twelve whole years. It wasn't the time yet and he realized that. He'd managed to buy Freddy a gravesite, even if it cost him some days of food. He had gone through worse, he just wanted a place to remember him.

_It's been ten years. I still miss you every day. Your grave is the most beautiul, I visit it twice a day. It says you left behind the love of your life, nothing more nothing less. You did, or at leat you were the love of mine. I am sure you didn't think of me that way, I was fucking terrible. I wasn't good enough for you when you were alive, so I make sure I am when you're not here at least you look stunning. You don't need my help with that though, you've never looked anything but stunning._

Kurt started to fight for something again, for his story to be heard. He was seventy-five, an actual old man. He felt however that his life was finally coming to the meaning it was supposed to have. He still had the cape, it was stuffed in a box as soon as he got home. He held it, taking one of the many pink triangles off, there were enough to last a lifetime. He turned it into a small flag, planting it on Freddy's grave with 'love, Kurt' written on it. Everyone was allowed to know, turns out a lot of people suspected something.

_It's been twenty-five years. We're no longer criminals, we're starting to get accepted. I told people our story. I miss you and I always will. I just hope that when I return to you, you won't think of me as just any old man, but as Kurt, as the man who loves you. I wish you hadn't died, so we could have told our story together, but your pictures shine. You shine. You were the only good thing that happened to be in the worst time of my life._

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to deal with the awful headspace I am currently in.  
> Some of you know what's going on from the Discord where I mentioned it, but this helped.  
> Thank you for putting up with my dumb ass.


End file.
